My honest CV

Daria Oleksandrivna
E-mail: daria.prokopyk@gmail.com

Work experience

Mom: Freelance just for hugs and smiles

Since 29/07/2013

My unique skills:

• negotiations 24/7;
• good demostrated results in powerlifting;
• agility in any process I am performing;
• patience, patience, and patience;
• ability to work in shifts;
• excellent results in explaining anything in a dozen of different ways;
• profound knowledge of Pixar cartoons and Peppa Pig;
• reading books aloud in different voices with effects.
  — — — —

QA/QMS: That was a huge famous international company

Forever: QA is a menthal condition and a lifestyle

• I know how anything should be; I have got a vision and the written
  standards;
• I keep records and will make you do the same; yep, that’s
  getting down.
• I will tell you that one cannot improve everything at once. You have to find a major fckup, and fix it with a minimal cost.
• Yes, you will always blame QA in anything.
• I know how to beat sexism, ageism, harassment, but yet failed with nepotism.
• Apart from my heartbreaking audit results of your work, I can offer you much empathy and even a drink. It’s not pleasant to face criticism, I know.
  — — — —

Lab person and high school teacher: NASU (not NASA, what a pity)

8 wasted years, just terrible

• Ability to face failure again and again and again without getting drunk
  frequently.
• I can read any text, and make a head and tail of it. Still, it does not work with the most of FB posts of Ukrainian bloggers.
• The great skill of achieving my goals with minimal means.
• Yes, I know how to make a statistical analysis.
• Public speaking? No problem. I just imagine that all those people are in
  pyjamas.
• I know many geek jokes and even understand them.
• I can tell amazing things and expain many things in a simple language.

Qualifications
========================
1. I am the best shopping companion ever. I never buy anything for myself, but perfectly know what suits you, and will bring you new and new items and even make pics. I work both with ladies and gentleman. My pieces of advice will help you to feel comfortable and unique. Beware -
shopping malls are not for me.

2. I am a great photographer. Really, any chick with iPhone or Nikon is a photo artist nowadays, but trust me, I am the best. I am patient, I can focus manually even being drunk, and your kids and pets don’t make be furious. All those photoshopped studio photo sets, where you don’t resemble yourself, suck. I will make it funny, honest, still nice.

3. I cook extremely well and can teach your fiancee to do the same. The main secrets of my cooking are common sense, a laziness and a pin up style. It makes cooking less dull. See also about shopping and photo art — you cannot cook properly if it is not on Instagram.

4. I can assist in hype development in social media. My comments are simply brilliant and catch much attention and reaction, mainly smiles.

5. Looking for an escort for a night at the opera or a jam session? I am a perfect escort lady. I have many elegant dresses, my makeup is not slutty, I know what all those operas are about, and love champagne and oysters. Nobody could ever tell whether I am your sister, wife or a daughter.

6. Medical escort. It is less amusing but more necessary. I easily guess the tricks of doctors when they persuade you to buy a bullshit, know their terminology and will ask them questions until we all will understand what’s going on. My assistance can save you much money and health, indeed.

7. Petsitting. I am a mother of cats, but doggies suit as well.

8. Looking for houseplants. I will talk to them, and they will blossom. I don’t believe in telegony or water memory, but I talk to flowers.

Education
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Biology at Kyiv Mohyla Academy. That’s a brand, not diagnosis

It was long ago. I am middle aged already.

I am educated enough to write without mistakes, especially when Grammarly is on, I know many clever words, sophisticated facts, and names, and even use them adequately in the most of the cases.

Languages:

• I can speak on profound topics in English and Ukrainian;
• I use Russian for hatespeaches;
• Spanish — for small talks, and Italian for love thoughts;
• German — for making some impression and avoiding further conversations with French people;
• Excellent imitation of French accent;
• Also, I speak fluent irony and sarcasm.

Interests
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I kindly ask you to look at my FaceBook profile. I am an incredible person. Just as everybody on social media nowadays.

References
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References available upon request. Are you really thinking that I have not
yet talked to my referees, and have not asked them about positiv feedback? C’mon, they have even got the ready template.